So life is a pain in the rear. I can't figure out why I cry so easily now.....I used to be so strong and could keep from showing any pain, but now it all comes out even the slightest thing hurts and i sometimes overreact. Its all mainly emotional.....but maybe its all due to keeping it in for so long....hmmm i dunno

All I know is that I have got a good thing going, but alot of the time i feel as though I might end up screwing it up since I am so emotional unstable...so it seems....

arg...life

Okay now onto me cause reading all that bull just ticked me off.... Okay so I have recently been planning a night of stuff for Halloween and I can't get it all togehter because I lack the funds and transportation to get it all done. I mean one of my modes of both are Ian, (the funds I pay back) but i cant have him driving me around if hes not supposed to see anything i get or do, since it is supposed to be a secret. ARG!!! Anyways if anyone knows of a way in which they can help me or wants in on what I am doing and then might be able to help me I am all for it just email me.
Oh yeah I started work a week and a half ago and its alright. It could be better but you never know. I am gonna give it a little bit before I truely decide on whats going to be happening. But I am leaning on staying cause I defiantely need the money, but if I dont get my back fixed I might have to quit. My back has been killing me from running around all day and my legs are swelling back up and getting those red spots again which is not good. I do on the up side have a chiro appt on Friday so that will be good.
Well I should be off now I have class in a few. Oh I think the time is off on the posting monster cause my last post was not at 8:20 pm rather it was at 12:16 pm and this one is shortly following it at 12:28pm

bye folks!!!

Okay I know I have completely different views on a lot of subjects with Ian, but sometimes his views are so abstract that I start to wonder what is actually going on inside his head. Today for example, his recent postings on both the Wellstone funeral regarding the attendance of Cheney, and the recent posings of WorldCom employees in Playboy.

Lets start with story number one: the Wellstone funeral. I personally think that the reasons so far stated as to why they do not want Cheney to attend are perfectly legit. It is the family's right to ask Cheney as they had not to attend. More over the reason given about not wanting the high security issues if Cheney did appear, or the protesters from the Democratic party that might arrive if he did. I see where Ian is coming from but he could have been a little more openminded on the issue. I mean if I died, would he allow Cheney to my rememberance if I was in the Senate. I hope to god he wouldn't! I would probably find away to kill him(Ian) myself if he did.
Be more sympathetic, regardless of whether Wellstone was from a different political party than yourself. He never did anything to you so don't call him a commie bastard!

As far as the article in Playboy on "The Women of WorldCom," if Ian had paid attention or read an actual article rather than listen to the news broadcast, he would have realized that WorldCom requested this. As far as the one woman who thinks it might lead to a singing career, well it turns out she has already been singing, so no singing doesnt just appear because of showing your boobs or rather giving head as he so lovely puts it. Hun check your info before you belligerently attack people you dont know!

The following stories are pertaining to the two subjects:

WASHINGTON (AP) - The family of Sen. Paul Wellstone asked Vice President Dick Cheney (news - web sites) to stay away, so Health and Human Services (news - web sites) Secretary Tommy Thompson and the White House's chief congressional liaison were leading an administration delegation to Tuesday night's memorial service.

White House press secretary Ari Fleischer (news - web sites) said Cheney offered to attend the service for Wellstone, his wife, his daughter and three campaign aides — all killed in a plane crash Friday. "The family was appreciative of the offer by the vice president to attend." But he added that it would be inappropriate to characterize the private conversations that ultimately led to the decision that Cheney would not go.

The pilot and copilot also died in the crash in Minnesota.

Another White House official said privately that with the memorial service expected to draw thousands, the Wellstone family told the White House they did not want mourners subjected to the kind of security screenings that Cheney's attendance would have required. This official also said White House advisers worried that the memorial service, with unions bringing supporters by the busload, would double as a Democrat get-out-the-vote rally and be awkward for Cheney.

There was never any thought of President Bush (news - web sites) attending Wellstone's memorial, said the official, who discussed the matter only on grounds of anonymity.

But at a signing ceremony Tuesday for legislation overhauling the election system, Bush paid tribute to Wellstone and led his audience in observing a moment of silence.

"I would like to pause and remember a devoted public servant who was taken from us last Friday, along with his wife and his daughter and several other Americans," Bush said.

"Paul Wellstone was a deeply principled and good-hearted man," he said. "He'll be missed by all who knew him and all who had the privilege of serving with him."

Bush, who campaigned in Minnesota for Wellstone's Republican opponent, Norm Coleman, just one week before the plane crash, will go ahead with plans to appear in Minnesota once more for Coleman on Sunday.



JACKSON, Miss. (AP) — The latest peek inside beleaguered WorldCom Inc. comes not from bankruptcy filings but from the December issue of Playboy magazine.

A dozen female WorldCom employees posed for a 10-page spread entitled ``The Women of WorldCom.''

Playboy spokeswoman Elizabeth Norris said the idea for the pictorial came from WorldCom employees themselves — after Playboy featured ``The Women of Enron'' in its August issue.

``Many WorldCom employees called and said, 'What about us?''' Norris said.

Norris said more than 300 women replied to Playboy's request to send in photos as well as proof that they worked for WorldCom.

``I just decided it was an opportunity of a lifetime to get your 15 minutes of fame,'' said Shellie Sloan, a 26-year-old WorldCom financial analyst.

Taurus & Virgo
Two Earth-ruled signs which value tranquillity and discretion, they have all the ingredients for a harmonious love affair. Anxious Virgo finds reassurance in the stolid Bull, whereas the Taurean derives needed peace and energy from the Virgoan. A caress, a gaze, a gesture: each is worth a thousand words, when it comes to expressing the tenderness that binds them together. Taurus dominates, to the delight of clinging vine Virgo. "The power of harmony, and the deep power of joy..."


Interestingly enough this describes completely my current status, its weird. But I guess that it's supposed to seem that way since that is is the truth. I love my boyfriend like no other even if hes a jerk, or obsessed with work or his computer, or just himself. I love him for him, and I am finally happy in my life. :-)

Boys never learn,...but then again they can kiss butt after their mess ups quite well. For example, falling asleep in the middle of serious and important discussion, then kissing ass the next day tracking me down (i was rollerblading around the park, studying for a test) just to apologize in between his classes with a dozen roses and a note.

Boys- cant live with them, but I sure cant live without this one!

Oh so mom is home after being gone in Michigan helping my half-sister with her brand new baby boy. Well I liked being free of nagging for the three weeks. Once she was back it all started again. The only good thing about her being back is that there is actually food in the fridge, compared to the jack crap microwave shit my dad got.

oh sorry about the lack of poem, i havent had much time nor running imagination to come up with anything so eventually there will be a new one posted.
till next time - mwah

Okay, I am realizing that I must not have picked too hard of classes for this semester, because Still I have yet to break a sweat on any project or paper. Although I have procrastinated as usual and waited to the last minute to do things, like for instance this morning, I didnt want to wake up so I set my alarm to 6 instead of 5:30 thinking i would wake up, nope i woke up to my dad saying "Are you going to school this morning?" I was like oh shiznit, cause i still had to print up notes for my Mass Communications class from his powerpoint presentations, as well as finish a Media Lab for Anthropology. All of this had to be done by 6:30 when I leave to go catch my train up to school. Usually if I leave early enough I can catch the train before my usual 7:05 train, at 6:40. This morning miraculously I made it, but by no default of my own, it happened to be that the 6:40 train was delayed due to heavy fog around the Camp Pendleton area when it was coming out of Oceanside.
So i made it to class on time, but then I realized I had forgotten to get 60 dollars from dad via check to pay for next months train passes. Sheesh that's due the 10th of the prior month, its so out of the way and rarely do I remember. I hate that they only send you one reminder via email to an address i check daily but don't notice theres mail in my CSUF folder till its to late, in which case they sent it 3 weeks prior to when the money is due.

Okay does it sound like I am rambling, cause to me it does. I really feel like deleting this whole entry because I am talking about nothing. But isn't that what everyday life is, a compilation of non-useful events that will eventually one day lead up to something really big or nothing at all.

So heres a little something that will not be so much of ramble....a poem... i haven't posted many of those in a while in fact the ones i have written as of late have all been in letters or notes.

okay i will post it in the next post I ran out of time on my break.....so adieu

So the other night (saturday) we went to Disneyland and California Adventure, it was my first time at California Adventure, any ways it happened to be Gay Day at the magic kingdom. This is the second time he has ended up going on that day, and supposedly last time he was wearing a red shirt, which is the color that they wear that day. Luckily this time he was wearing a grey shirt, under his black sweatshirt.

So today I have yet another interview with Robbins Bros. it kept getting put off due to my supposed spider bites, which turned out not to be bites after all just another reaction to what i had 2 months ago. So my legs and feet are all swollen. But the meds the doc put me on are helping so the swelling is going down....woohoo. So i should go get all perty for my interview since its in like an hour, even though it takes me all of five minutes usually to get dressed and shit. I am slow this morning.

Men are scum!!

Well ok they aren't so bad, but yeah they can be scum. Especially when it comes to work, they work, work, work, and thats all they ever have time for is work. They might be able to spare a few minutes here and there after work before their curfew ends, but sometimes that feels like its just meant to tease and not get the relationship moving anywhere. Now is the case where I am not even allowed over at work when he is almost off, I guess I cause a disruption in the workflow, i doubt that so much, but oh well what can i do. Not much.

So i have been nagged for the past few weeks that I havent been keeping this up as much as I used to. Well to those of you I am sorry, I have been a little preoccupied and busy with my time. In the words of a boy..." about all i do at home is sleep now....well not only but pretty much."
So life as it would be three months to the day since I last wrote in my journal (I am only going to slightly cover it all):

-the day after my last post....i found a new love of my life....ian

-shortly there after i left for catalina for Camp Fox, had an interesting time dealing with a load of bullshit from an old friend and trying to figure out where i wanted to go with my new found love.

-when i got back i went to the OC Fair w/ Ian ( which he had never been to...shame on him)

-got ready to leave for another camp this time with Ian in tow, but on our way up my friend Lil who picked us got in and accident and it was not a pleasant experience getting hit and then spinning into the number one lane and carpool lane.

-while at Camp TaTa Pochon we both realized we are going to have to put up with all the tough crap we give each other if we want this to work out, meanwhile he's still sick as he has been for 2 months with a tonsil infection, possibly passing it on to me.

-When we got back we practically spent everyday together, my best friend,Pavla, who we met through originally, now only refers to us as one, not separate people, along with Kerry purposefully calling me Mrs. Williams....omg, and my mother making such comments as ".....no future son-in-law of mine..."

-Then comes the end of Aug and school is soon to be approaching and he decides that he wants to get his tonsils out so that he can stop being ill. this becomes a milestone in the relationship, with everyone surprised with my actions and choice to stay with him the three days and two nights he is in the hospital. I dunno I guess i felt obligated, but at the same time i came to alot of conclusions about us, and so did he, and that sent our relationship to a whole other level.

-I am not one to care much about 1 month or 2 month or any anniversaries up until a year, cause boys are known to forget such things and so i didnt expect much, but boy was i wrong. So far everyone of them has been an interesting surprise.

-Oh also we took time after we came back from camp to relax in the jacuzzi, yeah no comment.

-My birthday, i knew it was coming but I guess i didnt exactly realize the full extent of it till it happened, he got me a Disneyland Annual Pass. What a shock especially since they are so much

So thats about it in short. Although many more small things happened but very trivial and I don't have the time nor the energy to cover it all. School has been good, i am going t&th from 7-4 with no breaks which is ick but it makes the day go by fast.
So to close this post i hope everyone has been patient, I am sorry that I was purposely postponing my next post, but I just wanted to see what was going to happen. So till next time. Good night folks!!!! I love ya all!

It hurt.....alot. But I cant go on only seeing him one day a week, and having it be day where i cry myself to sleep. I cant hurt anymore. One thing is for certain, I will always care about him no matter what, but at the moment I can't take that chance....it just hurts, had he asked me about 3 weeks ago, i might be in a different situation and other circumstances. Yet it didnt happen then , it happened now, after an accident, and I just want him to know I care and I always will but right now I cant do it.

On another note, my mode of transport to school most likely is going to be shutting down.....therefore I am concerned about how I am going to be able to get up there and stuff. Oh well I have Catalina coming up... I can get away from everything and think with a clear head...hopefully I will come back with some new understandings and a better view on things,....i usually do :-)

oh yeah and i ended up getting burned..... :-( not fun oh well it wil heal soon

My Best Friends Wedding or Dude Where's My Car ( which hasnt been seen by us) ....um how about something we dont need to worry about watching.....hehehehe...... well it turns out we watched 22% of the movie, 5% of the possum, and the rest pure.....um how do u say.....magnificant!

Hrrmmm...pool party today, we could convince Ian to get in but I think there were underlying reasons that kept him back..... BUT a promise is a promise and therefore he has to get in the water no matter what,..... I am just as red and just as chubby if not more so if pavla can convince me to get in minus my "security blanket" aka boardshorts and actually wear a 2 piece in front of someone other than myself then he can get his booty in my pool.......hehehehe....u know u love me :-)

Well its bed time........ so i'll see you all in my pool again tomorrow...woohoo.....w00t

So last night I watched IQ, never seen it before and I thought it was a cute, funny movie. Let alone I had alot of fun watching it......and yes we watched the movie unlike some people who "play" a movie..... So yes moon chasing and frozen yogurt was a good night, i am looking forward to many more fun nights like that again......oh and mint skittles have a whole new light to them....as well as far as orange tic tacs go they have to be earned and not ate before making contact.....beanbags shouldnt hold more than one person and

Nelson is finally left woohoo....so i inally got to go back in the "new room" i dont know why we still call it that it was built by dad approx. 15 yrs ago....

i am glad i had fun last night, i havent had that much fun or experienced those things in such a long time... thank you

time to go look for a job....maybe ill find something... i doubt it

A kiss with so much energy
Can only come so often
The energy is passionate
Raging, so overwhelming
That you want more to happen
Then just the kiss!
But how do you ask for more?
Or provoke more to enrage?
An answer that is add mystery
Add time, don't rush it....
With time comes more passion
It will build up so much
In the end it will be overwhelming.
Can we keep this going?
Or will it fade away with the mystery?
I hope it only increase and becomes
So much more than either of us can think of......

-by me

so i havent posted in like a month and i am sorry for that... i have been meaning to write but everytime i am about to i start playing spider solitaire or i end up going to a random coffeeshop with pavla and ian to discuss or world of problems...... speaking of coffeeshops....limelight java's old red couch that is covered in blue fabric i think should be off limits to us folk that sit n it while waiting for pavla to get off work.... it causes nothing but yeah you know what it causes... ;-) anyhoo summer is progressing and i still lack a job and i still need to call catalina otherwise i might not end up going...omg thats a scary thought i havent missed going in 5 yrs...eeek

love is progressing yet sometimes i feel lonely since the distance is a distance.....i wish there was a shorter gap in space between the ones i care for, and i wish the surroundings they were in would allow for us to spend more time together....hopefully it will become a better situation, i just fear that in time school will drag him off to atlanta and i will be lonely again...i dont like being alone..its scary... i guess it goes along with all my fears and things i am always self-conscious about how i am, how i look, it all goes back to things in my past, and i am getting over them slowly with the help of my friends but i still feel like a thick stump amongst twigs........

so i will leave u with something i read:

After A While
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning and company doesnt mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents arent promises,
And you accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open , with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a chid
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain for plans.
After a whie you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And that you really do have worth.

- Veronica A Shoffstall, 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul

negative. negative. negative. thank goodness its negative. it created a scare and it got me worrying but now its gone. i feel the blood red days coming and i am relieved cause i can live another day free of that responsibility.
finals are upon us and i wish i had know what retroactive withdrawal entailed...oh well i might not being going to Fullerton anymore, we'll see what happens....

I know now where i want to go and what i want to do but i am unsure of how, i guess its a good thing i know part of the answer to the questions i have been asking.... now i just have sit back wait and see if the rest will come to me....

I NEED A JOB.......does someone out there have anything that i would be interested in doing...anything but sales/retail.....

Ok, so a week wasted ....wasn't that bad... I mean I got some thinking down, now sleep I didnt catch up on cause phone calls with people lasted until late... but thats usual.... so I now have my communication device back ie cell phone, at some points i was kind of relieved I didnt have it because my mother couldn't call me 500 times a day for no apparent reason! The whole reason they say they did it is cause i needed time to cool down and sort things out, granted i sorted a few things out but they would have been sorted out regardless...... as far as cooling down.. nah not really, i mean if she wants me to turn into some perfect neat freak , doubt it'll happen, but at the same time i am not some horrible slob either.... i dunno, all i know is i can see partially clear now, and so my mind is slightly relieved......

A spell
could it be love
or is it friendship

A midsummers night
brushes a kiss upon my cheek,
Is it love or friendship?

I wish to seek an answer
I wish to know the way
I shall soon know
But is it the right way?

So a wise man once said if you are gonna go out with a big bang, well I feel like I am gonna explode soon if I dont get out of my house..... this whole house arrest thing bites my arse... I have issues with both guys now, one wants to start over by dating, the other wants to go bf/gf, well I am not one to rush into things, and so I am lost in which direction I should go, I mean I know who I want, but thats only cause there is more there, I dont have to start from scratch with him, theres this weird chemistry between us where it works, its just I don't want to get hurt again....at the same time I feel as though I am not giving the other guy a fair chance just cause I don't know him that well, but seeing as how that would be starting a new relationship, I feel like I just want to continue with the one I currently have and see how things go there, but I am afraid there are some things that I might miss out on with either decision, and so it leaves me in a rut, cause no matter the decision, once made I cant take it back and try and go the other direction, because the other person won't necesarily be there later on....

On top of it all there is a possiblilty that I have like tonsilitis or something, who knows I am thinking the worst possible case scenario so when it is a better outcome I will be relieved...... Well I must be off have to go to the doctors now, I get to see what is really wrong with me, other than that I am weird and crazy, this we already know.......lots of love to you all

Where do I go from here? Has everything been for nothing? I feel that with last night's argument with my parents that I don't know how I am gonna make it through anything anymore..... I am currently under what I would like to call "house arrest." I basically lived my life like that since I born up until like my senior year in high school...I wiould go to school and just come home..never really going out and doing anything....well quite recently I have been going out...."having a life" and I believe that this has either angered my parents or they just arent used to having to deal with me not being home, before....So right now I have the ultimatum of shape up or get out or start paying rent.....well 2 of those 3 choices I cannot afford because I am in school and don't have a job currently. But then I am getting confused with school, and knowing where I want to go or what to do.....I talked with alot of my friends afterwards, to see what there viewpoint was from an outside party cause I didnt want to make any irrational decisions in the state I was in.....mind you my cinversations were on the house phone due to them taking my cell phone, plus I had to stay in the general vicinity of the phone (its not allowed to be in my room anymore, well whats the darn point of having a cordless phone if I cant use it to enable privacy in my conversations....) anyways alot of other things came up last night and I was accused of using them(meaning my parents), I dont see how I am using them if I am still there offspring and I am actually a good kid that gets good grades and doesnt do drugs or any of that nonsense ( sorry to all those of you that smoke :-P smoking is bad...you should quit! ) But so anyways I have that on my mind plus my guy situation where I don't know which direction I want to go, only cause I am afraid the one I am closest to might return back to his sarcastic ways (i know he doesnt always mean to do what he does but it still hurts), so I have that and the fear of being kicked out of home and not knowing where to go, then the fact that school is ...arg...!

Anyways I am going to go study for the class I do have left that I can still manage to pull through.

Remember to wake up everyday with a smile on your face, and a twinkle in your eye because, if you wake up in the opposite its hard to reverse them and it will only just ruins tha whole day!

I had such a bad day yesterday to begin with, but it got so much better as the night ended. Lets start with why it was bad......I have been having issues with school, if you have read previous entries you know this.....well I was seriously contemplating dropping all of my classes yesterday, I walked out of my Sociology class because I couldn't stay in there I felt as though everything in my world was coming to an end...at least in my educational mind set..... So I managed to get a hold of my closest friends and pose the question of what am I supposed to do? I finally came to the conclusion I will only be withdrawing from two of the 4 classes......this way I still maintain my student status and I get credit for the ones I can pull off decent grades in.... My day got beter when two friends came over in a surprise visit on their way home from Melrose :-) I got put in a better mood just by seeing them. I later went out to stroll around the Spectrum, see a movie, and not get home till 5 this morning.....hehehe Quinn was right I do feel so much better when I can genuinely smile and be happy about something.... its a good feeling

Thanks to all you that have helped me these past few months through my shit.... *mwah*

Tonight was interesting and very good.....I received a call in the afternoon from Kerry "Want to go out with so and so ?" Sure why not I have nothing else to do after 9. So I do but we didnt end up going until like 10:30 because she got stuck on the phone with someone. Well when we get there the guys were waiting for us, I did not know she was trying to set me up with this guy and that was the point of dinner. Well as we are sitting around talking after dinner I feel a hand slowly grab mine, which was resting on my knee, so we kinda sat there holding hands , caressing hands for the rest of the time we sat there until he had to stretch and Kerry insisted he do the cheesy thing and stretch and then put his arm around me....Well he did only cause u kinda have to do what Kerry says or face her wrath.... Anyways after that while we were outside talking he had his arm around me....it was totally sweet and cute.....but nothing much happened after that until he drove me home, Kerry kinda deserted me and told him he was taking me home. Ok so, we talked on the way to my house and for about 20 mins in front of my house in his car....until he gave me a hug and kissed me......then we finished up our conversation cause i realized it was like a quater to 4 in the morning and I actually needed valid sleep before class the next morning..... so after I got his pager number he gave me another hug goodbye and a longer kiss. ::::Blushes:::::: he was so nice and sweet, he actually treated me great, which is something I need.

Anyways to make a long story short, I had a nice evening, it might happen again sometime who knows..... something to make u keep coming back for more....hehehe

Okay time to give into sleep......gnight

Ok this past week has been emotionally draining, but its a good thing i guess cause alot of things got out and things needed to be solved. As of right now I feel I cannot have any tie with Scott except as being friends, i dont think it can go any further than that cause there is no reciprocation of the feelings, at least on his part. I know I have a soft spot for him in my heart, but right now I need to get around it because its not a healthy thing to keep pinning over something that is only going to hurt me right now. Plus adding to the equation is a fact that was bestowed upon me this morning, a friend I met through Kerry, has taken a liking to me.... I dont know how or why, and the thing is everyone wants me to go for it cause they want to see me happy. Well I want to be happy and right now I think I am gonna do it especially sinceme and Scott are only friends, and he has no true say cause we arent going out......

All I have wanted was to be happy and if one boy hurts me I need to either move on completely or just be friends with him, and move on to something that wont hurt me. I try to live in the now and look at what is right in front of me cause I don't want to end up looking back and seeing that I missed out on a great experience....

Time ticks by
and I sit by
waiting for you,

I can't go on like this
I can't wait forever
I am now your lost endeavor.

I cried as I left our memories behind
It was not an easy task to leave
Such great memories in the past.

I must move on to a greater place
Hopefully here I won't see a mad face
Just the gentleness of the space.

Quinn and I recently found the cause of my distress in school......lack of theatre...now how bizarre is that? Actually when I think about it he's right, no matter how busy, stressed, and chaotic life was during shows, I always managed to get everything done and I was happy about it. Now I feel reclused, and have no will to get anything done, nothing is there to motivate me to get it done, yet when I walk through the Performing Arts Building, I feel the energy all around me, but at the same time I get the air that I don't belong.....is that what happens when you have to start anew and work your way back up to the top? I miss theatre, I miss the rush I got even though i never set foot truely on stage,....me the techie got the privilege of never having the fear, yet always feeling like i was underappreciative, but i pushed through....I need help I am feeling lost and I dont know what I want to do anymore. If one thing I took away from my old theatre teacher it is this saying "Theatre is life" because it truely is, cause i feel lifeless without it!

Okay sad news just came....my friend from afar isn't coming down now...... :-( man that blows, so now i must actually go on for another 13 months before having the slightess thought of seeing him. arg! Life goes on I guess....
all over a concert in Ohio...choice would u go to ohio or california,...i wiould choose california personally, not cause i live here but just cause it sounds the better of the two choices.... oh well....

So i am still in my school rut, i just realized all that i have to do to catch up and i am scared, i feel as though i might end up failing this semester.....which is not a good thing seeing as how i want to transfer to another school...but i dont know what yet.... oh well it will come to me....

Sleep deprevation from never received phone calls, sucks.....thats the 4th time this week...... I guess I should just go to bed at a decent hour from now on, but knowing my luck if i go to bed, i will just get a call in the middle of the night waking me up.....

Oh well....tonight i am staying up till 230 then i am hitting the sack..... gnight cruel world......

OK so I am so exhausted, I just arrived home(4/8) from my vacation......I had a total blast! The only bad thing was waking up so earlier to take down everything and shove it all back into the tiny little car. Okay so next time I know to take a slightly bigger car if I plan on bringing the monster tent.......
So the trip went like this..... we left my house at 12 on Friday due to packing complications, and sleeping in..... we get into Pismo 5 hours later, but before arriving we stopped off in Buellton to have some Pea Soup Andersons, it was good although I must say i wasnt truely in the mood for soup so I didnt have any i, just took a taste of Scott's. So after arriving in Pismo, we pull up to check in and the ranger wasnt there, it said to pick a site and fill out the self registration......well after driving around the hookup sites ( cause that was the only thing we could reserve) we decided that we were gonna look at the tent sites.....these sites were so much better... so we filled out the card and I waited for a ranger to return so i could give him the puppy face and hope that they would let me switch sites....he did...woohoo...
So the next few days were truely fun, we visited the pier at pismo, although it was a little too chilly for Scott's liking so we didnt go in the water, same with our little drive up to Morro Bay, so we both got new bathingsuits and boardshorts, to not go in the water....oh well,
Okay since when do Raccoons live in trees and then come down at night? Okay yeah that was a little freaky when I saw like 4 crawling down the tree and then hop onto the ground.... I was afraid they were going to jump on me....ok we know I am weird so shhhhh!

Oh some news that I thinkis good, my friend from far away is coming to visit!!!!! But not for very long :-( oh well, a visit is a visit hehehe anyways i cant wait much longer to see him, i have missed him so much , he is like an older brother to me, but more.

WEll I must depart, cause I have to leave soon, oh and yeah school sucks! I am going to try and switch to the school I originally wanted to go to.....FIDM cause yeah i cant stand all this bullshit from CSUF.......there are just too many nonsense classes.....ok i must go .....

C'est la vie!

April Fools Day, is coming to a draw and I didnt even get to pull a joke, man.....oh well, its not like it was very pertinent.... anyways I hope everyone had a great easter/passover/whatever weekend, I know I did I spent it with a great friend!

My long awaited vacation is finally coming.....yea! A nice realxing weekend camping on the beach with a beloved friend and a couple he knows, I would prefer it just be us, but they need a vacation to so why not kill two birds with one stone....so to say.....

packing is done, just need to go grocery shopping, get some drinks, pack the car and then be off.....

I wish i could be on vacation forever cause I hate school right now,...i am jobless....so i have no income, man it sucks......

well for now guy problems are somewhat straightened out...so to say....i mean i still want my friend, another friend that is having naughty deams wants to act them out, and i still feel like no one really wants me....for well....me isnt the world horrible.

anyways i'll let ya know how the trip goes......until then.....

have you ever felt your heart break into a million pieces cause you know all you will ever be is "the friend" well ....this is how it sounded a little while ago..... "Listen, your really sweet, smart, funny and pretty....but your right the click is not there." I am sorry to quote the person it came from , but i dunno this is my diary and so little read it anyways so.....why do i have to be an emo chick deep down.... the kind that is like a tomboy....you know the girls that arent more towards dike no thats NOT me i guess i am the one thats more towards the guy friend, the one that is every guys friend, oh shes just one of the guys,......how do you get out of that and learn how to click? I wish i knew but i guess i wont ever learn......, ok well i must go before i analyze this too much,, like my pea brain does.......gnight parting is such sweet sorrow, i will bide gnight cause i wont be here tomorrow........

Large corporations need to be abolished..... arg....
anyways last night I had fun so that relieved alot of stress.

I went to dinner at Black Angus for the first time(i dont count the time I went on Thanksgiving cause that wasnt a menu), it was good.....even though the shrip ended up being fried breadcrumbs mostly. But we got to sit and talk a long time with an endless supply of cherry cokes. Then the spur of the moment decision to go to the movies was made and we ended up watching Resident Evil. Okay I didn't know that it's based off of a video game, all i know is it was freaky and a very jumpy movie, but it was good.

Oh another pet peeve, the thing with movie theatres and not being able to bring in you r coffee from Starbucks or somewhere......and not posting that you give discounts to students.......hello where is the fairness in that.....arg!

Okay now I will give away what is up with my hair..... it has been dyed. It was only supposed to give my hair a little bit of red, well Herbal Essences- Beyond Cherry truely is, the front of my hair is so bright red and I am just too shocked. I now need to fix it. Its not that bad its just it needs some getting used to.

Well I am really tired, frustrated, and flustered, so i think i am gonna go try and relax.

okay, so last night pavi kidnapped me to cheer me up by undie shopping, and coffee........well it turned into a night of a split decision....either let her go with creativity or keep my head on my shoulders.....well so the thing is my hair is now drastically changed...

many people say its for the good but i am like whoa its..... yeah so i will post the pics i took soon but there isnt much noticable in the pics unlesss you stare and compare them to the old pics....

anyways pavi was at least successful in keeping my mind of some topics that have been troubling me these past few days....i was way more concerned if my mother would kill me about my hair...lol....surprisingly mom reacted almost like it was no big deal....ok whoever took my mom that would have shredded me limb from limb please bring her back....actually to think of it you can keep her....lol

well i must hit the sack soon cause i got little sleep last night and i have work early in the morning tomorrow...... so i shall see you all later...

The past few days have been hard, I have slipped into that mental mode where I start thinking about everything in extreme detail. ie life, school, friends, people who are more than friends. Anyway I got put in this weird position the other night, jealousy over took me. Now normally I don't get jealous because I am cool with situations, but I think this one hit me so hard because I was afraid of losing him for the second time. I mean I lost him a year and a half ago, and I dont think I could go throught that again, especially after all that has happened. I mean I understand how guys are with their first love, its kinda hard to get over it.....its the same with girls, rarely do they ever get over it. So I know the situation I put myself in when I did what I did but I am not regretting any of it. I just have this feeling he does regret it because now the situation has lessened due to his recent contact with his ex, and i got this sickening feeling in my gut that he might go back to her, and this scared me so much that I couldnt study or sleep very well. Now even though i know what was discussed i still feel like my friendship or whatever i have with him is being threatened to extiction like it was before. Man I hate life sometimes, I wish that I didn't have to go through all the bad times I wish it was just pure bliss. But being realistic I know that this can not happen. Anyways, boy(you know who you are) if you are reading this email me please or call me and let me know what I am supposed to think cause it hurts like no other, cause you were my first love.

My time is ticking
I have less than I thought
I wish i could go back

Back to a time I knew was safe
Where I knew I was loved by a special face
How do I get there, how do i go back

My time is ticking
I wish I was right
But i was wrong
and now I must move on

Maybe I'll come back
Is it possible to start anew
I doubt it can happen
But I am not going to assume

My time is ticking
Whatever happened
To the way it was in the beginning
I wish I could try it again.

So its been a few days since I have written, .... well lets see I have had a few things on my mind lately such as, guys, dreams, and dogs, oh and not to forget the major thing in my life aka school and work. Oh yeah I had the balls finally to give my two week notice and I was all professional about it to....on a letterhead and everything...woohoo... ..but my boss was sad she was losing a good employee....oh well c'est la vie! Okay, enough with that, ever had a friend have naughty dreams about you, and you don't know how to react to them, well yeah, so let me know if you have and how you responded cause i would really like to know what to do in this situation, but I dont want any suggestion of oh go sleep with him because then you obviously are forgetting my halo above my head :-) anyhoo yeah any of you ever wait up waiting for someone to call cause they said hey can i call you back ....and that usually means within the hour cause they have to do something real quick like go answer the door or take a shit or something.....welll i waited 6 hrs once and then gave up and went to bed, silly me....oh well.....i dont mind that much i am just silly like that.....

ok for the last few days my horoscope has been true so far and thats a little creepy cause it has been true to the T while the rest of the time it has been somewhat close, so i am wondering what else is in store for me....maybe a new life, maybe a new job, a new career more money who knows....

i want to take a cruise, now since i will be jobless in a week i don't know where I am gonna be getting the money to save for it,... :-( i shall find a way i think, i must i have to i want to go on a week or longer cruise dangnabbit but no one wants to go with, arg, or at least they can't, arg..... oh well

ok a quote for the day to leave you all inspired about life and love:

Where passion is not found, no virtue ever dwelt. -mario brooks

Well then another day, another night. It was a pleasant evening that included a stop at BJs and then a little bit of the Damned pleasure of the world. Now what do you believe the previous meant.... I'll leave that up to your imagination. I know what happened, and so does another individual. Anyways, I dread going to school on Tues and seeing how I did on my Psych test, I hope i at least passed! Oh shoot I forgot my Astro homework....must do before class in 12 hrs...lol I have class in twelve hrs,...thats scary....oh well. Okay its late and I have to stay up late to make sure my date made it home safe...okay i know i tried to make it rhymn but in the end it didnt work. Alrighty I shall be going now and getting ready for bed and I shall sleep without my nice pillow since i lent it to someone because they liked how it smelled...I think he claims that it smells like me .....lol....so what do I get that smells like you huh...... I think I should get something in return......maybe I shall who knows...ok.... night night to all

A poem just for you all I wrote today:

Forgotten

A day gone by
now a week
how much longer
must I wait
to see your luscious face?

A month flew by
a decade gone
your memory
still lingers on...

I wish and I wait
for your memory to escape
from my mind, that now
has lost hope of your return

I know now that you are gone
for I have see you with another,
you have forgotten all we had
so from my broken heart please depart.

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Damn Psychology!!! I wish teachers would learn how to word their questions so that they are answerable when it comes time for the tests. Oh well at least its one test down four more to go in that class. I guess my major lesson though is start reading before the day of the test so that you dont stay up forever reading 141 pages of boring nonsense. Plus the day couldnt get any better, my Sociology teacher decided not to show up so I could have slept in a little longer to have actually 3 hrs of full sleep....lol, and then coming home my train was delayed....so after getting out of a 2:15 class i dont actually get home from a school that is about 30 mins from my house, until 3 hours later....arg i hate public transportation sometime! OKay positive....think positive....

One thing positive is that I have an inkling as to what I am getting someone for their birthday , but I have to figure out if its actually possible first.

Plans for spring break and summer seem to be falling through....no one wants to go with me.. :-( oh well i guess thats whats gonna happen then.... I am giving my two weeks tomorrow at work cause I am too overwhelmed with work and whatnot, but if I buckle and not give it, someone better kick me....

well i am hitting the hay, cause i am exhausted and my brain is fried from studying......gnight and sweet dreams to all....

OMG...today is the TEST,,, my psych teacher has proclaimed since day one that this test more than 50% of the past few semesters, students have failed this first test. It has gotten me so stressed, because half is from his lectures the other half is from the book, and I hate to read, like i can always ace tests without having to read the books, but this class looks like i might actually have to read for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay more soothing news,......I still cant figure out my choice either between cancun or australia for my summer vacation. It would be an easier decision if someone would come with me...hint hint wink wink....you know who you are.....but you probably can't since you will have school. Well I guess thats your loss cause I plan on doing naughty things on the beaches of wherever I plan on going......jk well maybe i am not kidding..... ;-) anyways i must gets some rest before this test.....

until the next day.....luv diabloangel

to leave you with one of my fav.. quotes.....
"It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone."

It's a day to celebrate, the burden has been lifted off my shoulders....Quinn has come back from the "dead"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I can say is that I am relieved, I have been scared shitless these past month as to where he had gone and if he had made it home, but no word from him, i had no way of getting ahold of him. Then today as I get home, type my passwrod in to unlock my comuter screen, i notice i got a message on my yahoo messenger......OMG its him, hes alive!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost fell over in my chair I was so happy. My best friend has come back now my life is almost normal again. Yeah! One less worry upon my shoulders. Thank you to all who helped me pull through and kept telling me he was alive.

I Love you all.

Okay so the doctors was fine, but who knows what happenes at the doctors offices, maybe its a conspiracy and they are just seeing whats wrong and covering it up just so they wont have any problems with there system....i am kidding i felt like coming up with another conspiracy theory obviously that wasnt such a good one but oh well. So anyways on with life, I am getting back on track with school, only because I have five hours to killl this morning at school inbetween my dr. appt and my only class.....astronomy....the stupidy i feel eminating from that room because the teacher is a dimwit...no not really i just feel like i didt want to give myself a challenge so i took that class. anyways oh yeah i dont' feel like much punctuation or capitalizing today, cause i have to write a essay ina little bit so i dont want to have use correct anything unless absolutely necessary... :-) OK i am sorry i am tired and am rambling on about nothing, but wait isnt that what these things are for is for me to ramble and you to read, but i guess thats what we do when we are bored or have extra time. I truely believe that not many people come here and read about my life troubles but thats ok because this easier than a diary becuase i dont truely have to confront the people that sneak a peek at what i wrote, but then i write things in code sometimes so that people knowing me who read things on here cant tell if its about them or not unless i put there name on it and give them a face. I see that all everyone thinks about these days is what everyone else is doing , so the can spread some gossip about others so they dont have to worry about the gossip of themselves. Rambling again.......ok so life couldnt be better school is chaotic, i am seeing someone i havent seen in over a yr and a half, i live at home still ;-( jk thats not such a bad thing, my best friend is still lost, i have still had no contact with him, i am about to give my two weeks at work becuase its so chaotic and they demand to much from in terms of hours and what i do when i am there. But hey it cant get any worse it can ony get better .....right.....wrong.....i might have cancer when i am old...i might have diabetes (recent knowledge that my mother felt i should know before going to the doctors today) i am switching majors again only cause i cant figure out what life's meaning is for me and then i cant figure out one to choose, i think i am going to go for communicatins, cause that what i am good at right.....? who knows i only know life must get better than this, at least i know i saw a few glimpses of it while staying over at a friends house last week... :-) you know who you are ;-) well i must be off 4 hrs left to kill....that is such a sad phrase...to kill time.... i wish i didnt have to... oh well another day to drag through....till next time....

everyone go stare at a salvador dali picture and you'll see how your life isnt so bad....

Well, well, well......I don't know where to begin. Somewhere over the course of the last few weeks I have lost who I am and then found it again. But then again I don't think I ever really knew my true place unless I was near a certain friend, but then I never got to actually be physically there until quite recently, so I guess I am on the road to knowing exactly what I want out of life. I have lost a lot of things over the past few weeks. I lost a good friend at least I lost touch, which scares me cause I dont want to know what might actually have happened to him. Also I did get one good thing, a friend of three years has come back from being gone, and broughtgood things to my life, I only hope he sticks around this time long enough for things to work out. But moving slow has always been a priority although I never, mean for things to heat up like they do, sometimes things get to out of hand but there are always consequences and this time I see them and I am jumping back,...............jumping way back ..................for fear.

Well, lets see.....its the end of the second week of school and , man this is gonna be an interesting semester.... Work has now officially cut me down to only 15 hrs a week ( but it really isnt during the week that I work....its fri, sat, sun...arg) oh well. life is once again complicated. I thought things were changing for the better but it seems that i made another u-turn and i am straying away from people in my life and being more introverted and disclosed. I think this is due to some events with a friend of mine from colorado that I am scared for.... but then it also might be due to the fact that another friend of 3 yrs has come back from being mysteriously disappeared. Way too many things running through my mind at once. I hope that if you are close to me that you know that I am gonna need the space right now only cause i feel like things falling apart again.... I am gonna have to step back and try and hold on to what i know and can and just hope that my world doesnt crumble like it has before. Although the only people I am keeping close are those that I know can't hurt me, and have pulled me through these crappy times before....thanks you pavi, scott, kerry, ian and tamara

Good day all. Well school is going to be starting in less than 2 days, and I cant wait! I have been so bored lately, due to hour cuts at work so I have all this free time yet I am so bored with the internet and games, etc that I need something else. Having a date every few nights helps and they always put me in a good mood but I think I just need more. I dunno what it is. I think it is the lack of events in my life or maybe that I am not involved in theatre anymore at the moment and that used to be what I lived off of. Who knows. Hopefully a certain person can help change my life around and I can be happier and live a better life. Otherwise I might be back on the same path I was a few years previous. Which wasnt a good thing. Well until the next when I am so deliriously tired and bored.

First post to this new blog. Welcome one and all. I am still in the process of updating my site so I hope you can bare with me as these changes take place. Since school is starting back up soon and work will be slowing down I am gonna try and find as much time to try and get this going asap. Hopefully this will all be over soon and I will have everythign perfected until next update. Oh yeah new poll coming soon with old poll results to be posted so vote now!