have you ever felt your heart break into a million pieces cause you know all you will ever be is "the friend" well ....this is how it sounded a little while ago..... "Listen, your really sweet, smart, funny and pretty....but your right the click is not there." I am sorry to quote the person it came from , but i dunno this is my diary and so little read it anyways so.....why do i have to be an emo chick deep down.... the kind that is like a tomboy....you know the girls that arent more towards dike no thats NOT me i guess i am the one thats more towards the guy friend, the one that is every guys friend, oh shes just one of the guys,......how do you get out of that and learn how to click? I wish i knew but i guess i wont ever learn......, ok well i must go before i analyze this too much,, like my pea brain does.......gnight parting is such sweet sorrow, i will bide gnight cause i wont be here tomorrow........

Large corporations need to be abolished..... arg....
anyways last night I had fun so that relieved alot of stress.

I went to dinner at Black Angus for the first time(i dont count the time I went on Thanksgiving cause that wasnt a menu), it was good.....even though the shrip ended up being fried breadcrumbs mostly. But we got to sit and talk a long time with an endless supply of cherry cokes. Then the spur of the moment decision to go to the movies was made and we ended up watching Resident Evil. Okay I didn't know that it's based off of a video game, all i know is it was freaky and a very jumpy movie, but it was good.

Oh another pet peeve, the thing with movie theatres and not being able to bring in you r coffee from Starbucks or somewhere......and not posting that you give discounts to students.......hello where is the fairness in that.....arg!

Okay now I will give away what is up with my hair..... it has been dyed. It was only supposed to give my hair a little bit of red, well Herbal Essences- Beyond Cherry truely is, the front of my hair is so bright red and I am just too shocked. I now need to fix it. Its not that bad its just it needs some getting used to.

Well I am really tired, frustrated, and flustered, so i think i am gonna go try and relax.

okay, so last night pavi kidnapped me to cheer me up by undie shopping, and coffee........well it turned into a night of a split decision....either let her go with creativity or keep my head on my shoulders.....well so the thing is my hair is now drastically changed...

many people say its for the good but i am like whoa its..... yeah so i will post the pics i took soon but there isnt much noticable in the pics unlesss you stare and compare them to the old pics....

anyways pavi was at least successful in keeping my mind of some topics that have been troubling me these past few days....i was way more concerned if my mother would kill me about my hair...lol....surprisingly mom reacted almost like it was no big deal....ok whoever took my mom that would have shredded me limb from limb please bring her back....actually to think of it you can keep her....lol

well i must hit the sack soon cause i got little sleep last night and i have work early in the morning tomorrow...... so i shall see you all later...

The past few days have been hard, I have slipped into that mental mode where I start thinking about everything in extreme detail. ie life, school, friends, people who are more than friends. Anyway I got put in this weird position the other night, jealousy over took me. Now normally I don't get jealous because I am cool with situations, but I think this one hit me so hard because I was afraid of losing him for the second time. I mean I lost him a year and a half ago, and I dont think I could go throught that again, especially after all that has happened. I mean I understand how guys are with their first love, its kinda hard to get over it.....its the same with girls, rarely do they ever get over it. So I know the situation I put myself in when I did what I did but I am not regretting any of it. I just have this feeling he does regret it because now the situation has lessened due to his recent contact with his ex, and i got this sickening feeling in my gut that he might go back to her, and this scared me so much that I couldnt study or sleep very well. Now even though i know what was discussed i still feel like my friendship or whatever i have with him is being threatened to extiction like it was before. Man I hate life sometimes, I wish that I didn't have to go through all the bad times I wish it was just pure bliss. But being realistic I know that this can not happen. Anyways, boy(you know who you are) if you are reading this email me please or call me and let me know what I am supposed to think cause it hurts like no other, cause you were my first love.

My time is ticking
I have less than I thought
I wish i could go back

Back to a time I knew was safe
Where I knew I was loved by a special face
How do I get there, how do i go back

My time is ticking
I wish I was right
But i was wrong
and now I must move on

Maybe I'll come back
Is it possible to start anew
I doubt it can happen
But I am not going to assume

My time is ticking
Whatever happened
To the way it was in the beginning
I wish I could try it again.

So its been a few days since I have written, .... well lets see I have had a few things on my mind lately such as, guys, dreams, and dogs, oh and not to forget the major thing in my life aka school and work. Oh yeah I had the balls finally to give my two week notice and I was all professional about it to....on a letterhead and everything...woohoo... ..but my boss was sad she was losing a good employee....oh well c'est la vie! Okay, enough with that, ever had a friend have naughty dreams about you, and you don't know how to react to them, well yeah, so let me know if you have and how you responded cause i would really like to know what to do in this situation, but I dont want any suggestion of oh go sleep with him because then you obviously are forgetting my halo above my head :-) anyhoo yeah any of you ever wait up waiting for someone to call cause they said hey can i call you back ....and that usually means within the hour cause they have to do something real quick like go answer the door or take a shit or something.....welll i waited 6 hrs once and then gave up and went to bed, silly me....oh well.....i dont mind that much i am just silly like that.....

ok for the last few days my horoscope has been true so far and thats a little creepy cause it has been true to the T while the rest of the time it has been somewhat close, so i am wondering what else is in store for me....maybe a new life, maybe a new job, a new career more money who knows....

i want to take a cruise, now since i will be jobless in a week i don't know where I am gonna be getting the money to save for it,... :-( i shall find a way i think, i must i have to i want to go on a week or longer cruise dangnabbit but no one wants to go with, arg, or at least they can't, arg..... oh well

ok a quote for the day to leave you all inspired about life and love:

Where passion is not found, no virtue ever dwelt. -mario brooks

Well then another day, another night. It was a pleasant evening that included a stop at BJs and then a little bit of the Damned pleasure of the world. Now what do you believe the previous meant.... I'll leave that up to your imagination. I know what happened, and so does another individual. Anyways, I dread going to school on Tues and seeing how I did on my Psych test, I hope i at least passed! Oh shoot I forgot my Astro homework....must do before class in 12 hrs...lol I have class in twelve hrs,...thats scary....oh well. Okay its late and I have to stay up late to make sure my date made it home safe...okay i know i tried to make it rhymn but in the end it didnt work. Alrighty I shall be going now and getting ready for bed and I shall sleep without my nice pillow since i lent it to someone because they liked how it smelled...I think he claims that it smells like me .....lol....so what do I get that smells like you huh...... I think I should get something in return......maybe I shall who knows...ok.... night night to all

A poem just for you all I wrote today:

Forgotten

A day gone by
now a week
how much longer
must I wait
to see your luscious face?

A month flew by
a decade gone
your memory
still lingers on...

I wish and I wait
for your memory to escape
from my mind, that now
has lost hope of your return

I know now that you are gone
for I have see you with another,
you have forgotten all we had
so from my broken heart please depart.