Ok this past week has been emotionally draining, but its a good thing i guess cause alot of things got out and things needed to be solved. As of right now I feel I cannot have any tie with Scott except as being friends, i dont think it can go any further than that cause there is no reciprocation of the feelings, at least on his part. I know I have a soft spot for him in my heart, but right now I need to get around it because its not a healthy thing to keep pinning over something that is only going to hurt me right now. Plus adding to the equation is a fact that was bestowed upon me this morning, a friend I met through Kerry, has taken a liking to me.... I dont know how or why, and the thing is everyone wants me to go for it cause they want to see me happy. Well I want to be happy and right now I think I am gonna do it especially sinceme and Scott are only friends, and he has no true say cause we arent going out......

All I have wanted was to be happy and if one boy hurts me I need to either move on completely or just be friends with him, and move on to something that wont hurt me. I try to live in the now and look at what is right in front of me cause I don't want to end up looking back and seeing that I missed out on a great experience....

Time ticks by
and I sit by
waiting for you,

I can't go on like this
I can't wait forever
I am now your lost endeavor.

I cried as I left our memories behind
It was not an easy task to leave
Such great memories in the past.

I must move on to a greater place
Hopefully here I won't see a mad face
Just the gentleness of the space.

Quinn and I recently found the cause of my distress in school......lack of theatre...now how bizarre is that? Actually when I think about it he's right, no matter how busy, stressed, and chaotic life was during shows, I always managed to get everything done and I was happy about it. Now I feel reclused, and have no will to get anything done, nothing is there to motivate me to get it done, yet when I walk through the Performing Arts Building, I feel the energy all around me, but at the same time I get the air that I don't belong.....is that what happens when you have to start anew and work your way back up to the top? I miss theatre, I miss the rush I got even though i never set foot truely on stage,....me the techie got the privilege of never having the fear, yet always feeling like i was underappreciative, but i pushed through....I need help I am feeling lost and I dont know what I want to do anymore. If one thing I took away from my old theatre teacher it is this saying "Theatre is life" because it truely is, cause i feel lifeless without it!

Okay sad news just came....my friend from afar isn't coming down now...... :-( man that blows, so now i must actually go on for another 13 months before having the slightess thought of seeing him. arg! Life goes on I guess....
all over a concert in Ohio...choice would u go to ohio or california,...i wiould choose california personally, not cause i live here but just cause it sounds the better of the two choices.... oh well....

So i am still in my school rut, i just realized all that i have to do to catch up and i am scared, i feel as though i might end up failing this semester.....which is not a good thing seeing as how i want to transfer to another school...but i dont know what yet.... oh well it will come to me....

Sleep deprevation from never received phone calls, sucks.....thats the 4th time this week...... I guess I should just go to bed at a decent hour from now on, but knowing my luck if i go to bed, i will just get a call in the middle of the night waking me up.....

Oh well....tonight i am staying up till 230 then i am hitting the sack..... gnight cruel world......

OK so I am so exhausted, I just arrived home(4/8) from my vacation......I had a total blast! The only bad thing was waking up so earlier to take down everything and shove it all back into the tiny little car. Okay so next time I know to take a slightly bigger car if I plan on bringing the monster tent.......
So the trip went like this..... we left my house at 12 on Friday due to packing complications, and sleeping in..... we get into Pismo 5 hours later, but before arriving we stopped off in Buellton to have some Pea Soup Andersons, it was good although I must say i wasnt truely in the mood for soup so I didnt have any i, just took a taste of Scott's. So after arriving in Pismo, we pull up to check in and the ranger wasnt there, it said to pick a site and fill out the self registration......well after driving around the hookup sites ( cause that was the only thing we could reserve) we decided that we were gonna look at the tent sites.....these sites were so much better... so we filled out the card and I waited for a ranger to return so i could give him the puppy face and hope that they would let me switch sites....he did...woohoo...
So the next few days were truely fun, we visited the pier at pismo, although it was a little too chilly for Scott's liking so we didnt go in the water, same with our little drive up to Morro Bay, so we both got new bathingsuits and boardshorts, to not go in the water....oh well,
Okay since when do Raccoons live in trees and then come down at night? Okay yeah that was a little freaky when I saw like 4 crawling down the tree and then hop onto the ground.... I was afraid they were going to jump on me....ok we know I am weird so shhhhh!

Oh some news that I thinkis good, my friend from far away is coming to visit!!!!! But not for very long :-( oh well, a visit is a visit hehehe anyways i cant wait much longer to see him, i have missed him so much , he is like an older brother to me, but more.

WEll I must depart, cause I have to leave soon, oh and yeah school sucks! I am going to try and switch to the school I originally wanted to go to.....FIDM cause yeah i cant stand all this bullshit from CSUF.......there are just too many nonsense classes.....ok i must go .....

C'est la vie!

April Fools Day, is coming to a draw and I didnt even get to pull a joke, man.....oh well, its not like it was very pertinent.... anyways I hope everyone had a great easter/passover/whatever weekend, I know I did I spent it with a great friend!

My long awaited vacation is finally coming.....yea! A nice realxing weekend camping on the beach with a beloved friend and a couple he knows, I would prefer it just be us, but they need a vacation to so why not kill two birds with one stone....so to say.....

packing is done, just need to go grocery shopping, get some drinks, pack the car and then be off.....

I wish i could be on vacation forever cause I hate school right now,...i am jobless....so i have no income, man it sucks......

well for now guy problems are somewhat straightened out...so to say....i mean i still want my friend, another friend that is having naughty deams wants to act them out, and i still feel like no one really wants me....for well....me isnt the world horrible.

anyways i'll let ya know how the trip goes......until then.....