negative. negative. negative. thank goodness its negative. it created a scare and it got me worrying but now its gone. i feel the blood red days coming and i am relieved cause i can live another day free of that responsibility.
finals are upon us and i wish i had know what retroactive withdrawal entailed...oh well i might not being going to Fullerton anymore, we'll see what happens....

I know now where i want to go and what i want to do but i am unsure of how, i guess its a good thing i know part of the answer to the questions i have been asking.... now i just have sit back wait and see if the rest will come to me....

I NEED A JOB.......does someone out there have anything that i would be interested in doing...anything but sales/retail.....

Ok, so a week wasted ....wasn't that bad... I mean I got some thinking down, now sleep I didnt catch up on cause phone calls with people lasted until late... but thats usual.... so I now have my communication device back ie cell phone, at some points i was kind of relieved I didnt have it because my mother couldn't call me 500 times a day for no apparent reason! The whole reason they say they did it is cause i needed time to cool down and sort things out, granted i sorted a few things out but they would have been sorted out regardless...... as far as cooling down.. nah not really, i mean if she wants me to turn into some perfect neat freak , doubt it'll happen, but at the same time i am not some horrible slob either.... i dunno, all i know is i can see partially clear now, and so my mind is slightly relieved......

A spell
could it be love
or is it friendship

A midsummers night
brushes a kiss upon my cheek,
Is it love or friendship?

I wish to seek an answer
I wish to know the way
I shall soon know
But is it the right way?

So a wise man once said if you are gonna go out with a big bang, well I feel like I am gonna explode soon if I dont get out of my house..... this whole house arrest thing bites my arse... I have issues with both guys now, one wants to start over by dating, the other wants to go bf/gf, well I am not one to rush into things, and so I am lost in which direction I should go, I mean I know who I want, but thats only cause there is more there, I dont have to start from scratch with him, theres this weird chemistry between us where it works, its just I don't want to get hurt again....at the same time I feel as though I am not giving the other guy a fair chance just cause I don't know him that well, but seeing as how that would be starting a new relationship, I feel like I just want to continue with the one I currently have and see how things go there, but I am afraid there are some things that I might miss out on with either decision, and so it leaves me in a rut, cause no matter the decision, once made I cant take it back and try and go the other direction, because the other person won't necesarily be there later on....

On top of it all there is a possiblilty that I have like tonsilitis or something, who knows I am thinking the worst possible case scenario so when it is a better outcome I will be relieved...... Well I must be off have to go to the doctors now, I get to see what is really wrong with me, other than that I am weird and crazy, this we already know.......lots of love to you all

Where do I go from here? Has everything been for nothing? I feel that with last night's argument with my parents that I don't know how I am gonna make it through anything anymore..... I am currently under what I would like to call "house arrest." I basically lived my life like that since I born up until like my senior year in high school...I wiould go to school and just come home..never really going out and doing anything....well quite recently I have been going out...."having a life" and I believe that this has either angered my parents or they just arent used to having to deal with me not being home, before....So right now I have the ultimatum of shape up or get out or start paying rent.....well 2 of those 3 choices I cannot afford because I am in school and don't have a job currently. But then I am getting confused with school, and knowing where I want to go or what to do.....I talked with alot of my friends afterwards, to see what there viewpoint was from an outside party cause I didnt want to make any irrational decisions in the state I was in.....mind you my cinversations were on the house phone due to them taking my cell phone, plus I had to stay in the general vicinity of the phone (its not allowed to be in my room anymore, well whats the darn point of having a cordless phone if I cant use it to enable privacy in my conversations....) anyways alot of other things came up last night and I was accused of using them(meaning my parents), I dont see how I am using them if I am still there offspring and I am actually a good kid that gets good grades and doesnt do drugs or any of that nonsense ( sorry to all those of you that smoke :-P smoking is bad...you should quit! ) But so anyways I have that on my mind plus my guy situation where I don't know which direction I want to go, only cause I am afraid the one I am closest to might return back to his sarcastic ways (i know he doesnt always mean to do what he does but it still hurts), so I have that and the fear of being kicked out of home and not knowing where to go, then the fact that school is ...arg...!

Anyways I am going to go study for the class I do have left that I can still manage to pull through.

Remember to wake up everyday with a smile on your face, and a twinkle in your eye because, if you wake up in the opposite its hard to reverse them and it will only just ruins tha whole day!

I had such a bad day yesterday to begin with, but it got so much better as the night ended. Lets start with why it was bad......I have been having issues with school, if you have read previous entries you know this.....well I was seriously contemplating dropping all of my classes yesterday, I walked out of my Sociology class because I couldn't stay in there I felt as though everything in my world was coming to an end...at least in my educational mind set..... So I managed to get a hold of my closest friends and pose the question of what am I supposed to do? I finally came to the conclusion I will only be withdrawing from two of the 4 classes......this way I still maintain my student status and I get credit for the ones I can pull off decent grades in.... My day got beter when two friends came over in a surprise visit on their way home from Melrose :-) I got put in a better mood just by seeing them. I later went out to stroll around the Spectrum, see a movie, and not get home till 5 this morning.....hehehe Quinn was right I do feel so much better when I can genuinely smile and be happy about something.... its a good feeling

Thanks to all you that have helped me these past few months through my shit.... *mwah*

Tonight was interesting and very good.....I received a call in the afternoon from Kerry "Want to go out with so and so ?" Sure why not I have nothing else to do after 9. So I do but we didnt end up going until like 10:30 because she got stuck on the phone with someone. Well when we get there the guys were waiting for us, I did not know she was trying to set me up with this guy and that was the point of dinner. Well as we are sitting around talking after dinner I feel a hand slowly grab mine, which was resting on my knee, so we kinda sat there holding hands , caressing hands for the rest of the time we sat there until he had to stretch and Kerry insisted he do the cheesy thing and stretch and then put his arm around me....Well he did only cause u kinda have to do what Kerry says or face her wrath.... Anyways after that while we were outside talking he had his arm around me....it was totally sweet and cute.....but nothing much happened after that until he drove me home, Kerry kinda deserted me and told him he was taking me home. Ok so, we talked on the way to my house and for about 20 mins in front of my house in his car....until he gave me a hug and kissed me......then we finished up our conversation cause i realized it was like a quater to 4 in the morning and I actually needed valid sleep before class the next morning..... so after I got his pager number he gave me another hug goodbye and a longer kiss. ::::Blushes:::::: he was so nice and sweet, he actually treated me great, which is something I need.

Anyways to make a long story short, I had a nice evening, it might happen again sometime who knows..... something to make u keep coming back for more....hehehe

Okay time to give into sleep......gnight

Ok this past week has been emotionally draining, but its a good thing i guess cause alot of things got out and things needed to be solved. As of right now I feel I cannot have any tie with Scott except as being friends, i dont think it can go any further than that cause there is no reciprocation of the feelings, at least on his part. I know I have a soft spot for him in my heart, but right now I need to get around it because its not a healthy thing to keep pinning over something that is only going to hurt me right now. Plus adding to the equation is a fact that was bestowed upon me this morning, a friend I met through Kerry, has taken a liking to me.... I dont know how or why, and the thing is everyone wants me to go for it cause they want to see me happy. Well I want to be happy and right now I think I am gonna do it especially sinceme and Scott are only friends, and he has no true say cause we arent going out......

All I have wanted was to be happy and if one boy hurts me I need to either move on completely or just be friends with him, and move on to something that wont hurt me. I try to live in the now and look at what is right in front of me cause I don't want to end up looking back and seeing that I missed out on a great experience....

Time ticks by
and I sit by
waiting for you,

I can't go on like this
I can't wait forever
I am now your lost endeavor.

I cried as I left our memories behind
It was not an easy task to leave
Such great memories in the past.

I must move on to a greater place
Hopefully here I won't see a mad face
Just the gentleness of the space.

Quinn and I recently found the cause of my distress in school......lack of theatre...now how bizarre is that? Actually when I think about it he's right, no matter how busy, stressed, and chaotic life was during shows, I always managed to get everything done and I was happy about it. Now I feel reclused, and have no will to get anything done, nothing is there to motivate me to get it done, yet when I walk through the Performing Arts Building, I feel the energy all around me, but at the same time I get the air that I don't belong.....is that what happens when you have to start anew and work your way back up to the top? I miss theatre, I miss the rush I got even though i never set foot truely on stage,....me the techie got the privilege of never having the fear, yet always feeling like i was underappreciative, but i pushed through....I need help I am feeling lost and I dont know what I want to do anymore. If one thing I took away from my old theatre teacher it is this saying "Theatre is life" because it truely is, cause i feel lifeless without it!

Okay sad news just came....my friend from afar isn't coming down now...... :-( man that blows, so now i must actually go on for another 13 months before having the slightess thought of seeing him. arg! Life goes on I guess....
all over a concert in Ohio...choice would u go to ohio or california,...i wiould choose california personally, not cause i live here but just cause it sounds the better of the two choices.... oh well....

So i am still in my school rut, i just realized all that i have to do to catch up and i am scared, i feel as though i might end up failing this semester.....which is not a good thing seeing as how i want to transfer to another school...but i dont know what yet.... oh well it will come to me....

Sleep deprevation from never received phone calls, sucks.....thats the 4th time this week...... I guess I should just go to bed at a decent hour from now on, but knowing my luck if i go to bed, i will just get a call in the middle of the night waking me up.....

Oh well....tonight i am staying up till 230 then i am hitting the sack..... gnight cruel world......

OK so I am so exhausted, I just arrived home(4/8) from my vacation......I had a total blast! The only bad thing was waking up so earlier to take down everything and shove it all back into the tiny little car. Okay so next time I know to take a slightly bigger car if I plan on bringing the monster tent.......
So the trip went like this..... we left my house at 12 on Friday due to packing complications, and sleeping in..... we get into Pismo 5 hours later, but before arriving we stopped off in Buellton to have some Pea Soup Andersons, it was good although I must say i wasnt truely in the mood for soup so I didnt have any i, just took a taste of Scott's. So after arriving in Pismo, we pull up to check in and the ranger wasnt there, it said to pick a site and fill out the self registration......well after driving around the hookup sites ( cause that was the only thing we could reserve) we decided that we were gonna look at the tent sites.....these sites were so much better... so we filled out the card and I waited for a ranger to return so i could give him the puppy face and hope that they would let me switch sites....he did...woohoo...
So the next few days were truely fun, we visited the pier at pismo, although it was a little too chilly for Scott's liking so we didnt go in the water, same with our little drive up to Morro Bay, so we both got new bathingsuits and boardshorts, to not go in the water....oh well,
Okay since when do Raccoons live in trees and then come down at night? Okay yeah that was a little freaky when I saw like 4 crawling down the tree and then hop onto the ground.... I was afraid they were going to jump on me....ok we know I am weird so shhhhh!

Oh some news that I thinkis good, my friend from far away is coming to visit!!!!! But not for very long :-( oh well, a visit is a visit hehehe anyways i cant wait much longer to see him, i have missed him so much , he is like an older brother to me, but more.

WEll I must depart, cause I have to leave soon, oh and yeah school sucks! I am going to try and switch to the school I originally wanted to go to.....FIDM cause yeah i cant stand all this bullshit from CSUF.......there are just too many nonsense classes.....ok i must go .....

C'est la vie!