oh yeah and i ended up getting burned..... :-( not fun oh well it wil heal soon

My Best Friends Wedding or Dude Where's My Car ( which hasnt been seen by us) ....um how about something we dont need to worry about watching.....hehehehe...... well it turns out we watched 22% of the movie, 5% of the possum, and the rest pure.....um how do u say.....magnificant!

Hrrmmm...pool party today, we could convince Ian to get in but I think there were underlying reasons that kept him back..... BUT a promise is a promise and therefore he has to get in the water no matter what,..... I am just as red and just as chubby if not more so if pavla can convince me to get in minus my "security blanket" aka boardshorts and actually wear a 2 piece in front of someone other than myself then he can get his booty in my pool.......hehehehe....u know u love me :-)

Well its bed time........ so i'll see you all in my pool again tomorrow...woohoo.....w00t

So last night I watched IQ, never seen it before and I thought it was a cute, funny movie. Let alone I had alot of fun watching it......and yes we watched the movie unlike some people who "play" a movie..... So yes moon chasing and frozen yogurt was a good night, i am looking forward to many more fun nights like that again......oh and mint skittles have a whole new light to them....as well as far as orange tic tacs go they have to be earned and not ate before making contact.....beanbags shouldnt hold more than one person and

Nelson is finally left woohoo....so i inally got to go back in the "new room" i dont know why we still call it that it was built by dad approx. 15 yrs ago....

i am glad i had fun last night, i havent had that much fun or experienced those things in such a long time... thank you

time to go look for a job....maybe ill find something... i doubt it

A kiss with so much energy
Can only come so often
The energy is passionate
Raging, so overwhelming
That you want more to happen
Then just the kiss!
But how do you ask for more?
Or provoke more to enrage?
An answer that is add mystery
Add time, don't rush it....
With time comes more passion
It will build up so much
In the end it will be overwhelming.
Can we keep this going?
Or will it fade away with the mystery?
I hope it only increase and becomes
So much more than either of us can think of......

-by me

so i havent posted in like a month and i am sorry for that... i have been meaning to write but everytime i am about to i start playing spider solitaire or i end up going to a random coffeeshop with pavla and ian to discuss or world of problems...... speaking of coffeeshops....limelight java's old red couch that is covered in blue fabric i think should be off limits to us folk that sit n it while waiting for pavla to get off work.... it causes nothing but yeah you know what it causes... ;-) anyhoo summer is progressing and i still lack a job and i still need to call catalina otherwise i might not end up going...omg thats a scary thought i havent missed going in 5 yrs...eeek

love is progressing yet sometimes i feel lonely since the distance is a distance.....i wish there was a shorter gap in space between the ones i care for, and i wish the surroundings they were in would allow for us to spend more time together....hopefully it will become a better situation, i just fear that in time school will drag him off to atlanta and i will be lonely again...i dont like being alone..its scary... i guess it goes along with all my fears and things i am always self-conscious about how i am, how i look, it all goes back to things in my past, and i am getting over them slowly with the help of my friends but i still feel like a thick stump amongst twigs........

so i will leave u with something i read:

After A While
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning and company doesnt mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents arent promises,
And you accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open , with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a chid
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain for plans.
After a whie you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And that you really do have worth.

- Veronica A Shoffstall, 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul

negative. negative. negative. thank goodness its negative. it created a scare and it got me worrying but now its gone. i feel the blood red days coming and i am relieved cause i can live another day free of that responsibility.
finals are upon us and i wish i had know what retroactive withdrawal entailed...oh well i might not being going to Fullerton anymore, we'll see what happens....

I know now where i want to go and what i want to do but i am unsure of how, i guess its a good thing i know part of the answer to the questions i have been asking.... now i just have sit back wait and see if the rest will come to me....

I NEED A JOB.......does someone out there have anything that i would be interested in doing...anything but sales/retail.....

Ok, so a week wasted ....wasn't that bad... I mean I got some thinking down, now sleep I didnt catch up on cause phone calls with people lasted until late... but thats usual.... so I now have my communication device back ie cell phone, at some points i was kind of relieved I didnt have it because my mother couldn't call me 500 times a day for no apparent reason! The whole reason they say they did it is cause i needed time to cool down and sort things out, granted i sorted a few things out but they would have been sorted out regardless...... as far as cooling down.. nah not really, i mean if she wants me to turn into some perfect neat freak , doubt it'll happen, but at the same time i am not some horrible slob either.... i dunno, all i know is i can see partially clear now, and so my mind is slightly relieved......

A spell
could it be love
or is it friendship

A midsummers night
brushes a kiss upon my cheek,
Is it love or friendship?

I wish to seek an answer
I wish to know the way
I shall soon know
But is it the right way?

So a wise man once said if you are gonna go out with a big bang, well I feel like I am gonna explode soon if I dont get out of my house..... this whole house arrest thing bites my arse... I have issues with both guys now, one wants to start over by dating, the other wants to go bf/gf, well I am not one to rush into things, and so I am lost in which direction I should go, I mean I know who I want, but thats only cause there is more there, I dont have to start from scratch with him, theres this weird chemistry between us where it works, its just I don't want to get hurt again....at the same time I feel as though I am not giving the other guy a fair chance just cause I don't know him that well, but seeing as how that would be starting a new relationship, I feel like I just want to continue with the one I currently have and see how things go there, but I am afraid there are some things that I might miss out on with either decision, and so it leaves me in a rut, cause no matter the decision, once made I cant take it back and try and go the other direction, because the other person won't necesarily be there later on....

On top of it all there is a possiblilty that I have like tonsilitis or something, who knows I am thinking the worst possible case scenario so when it is a better outcome I will be relieved...... Well I must be off have to go to the doctors now, I get to see what is really wrong with me, other than that I am weird and crazy, this we already know.......lots of love to you all

Where do I go from here? Has everything been for nothing? I feel that with last night's argument with my parents that I don't know how I am gonna make it through anything anymore..... I am currently under what I would like to call "house arrest." I basically lived my life like that since I born up until like my senior year in high school...I wiould go to school and just come home..never really going out and doing anything....well quite recently I have been going out...."having a life" and I believe that this has either angered my parents or they just arent used to having to deal with me not being home, before....So right now I have the ultimatum of shape up or get out or start paying rent.....well 2 of those 3 choices I cannot afford because I am in school and don't have a job currently. But then I am getting confused with school, and knowing where I want to go or what to do.....I talked with alot of my friends afterwards, to see what there viewpoint was from an outside party cause I didnt want to make any irrational decisions in the state I was in.....mind you my cinversations were on the house phone due to them taking my cell phone, plus I had to stay in the general vicinity of the phone (its not allowed to be in my room anymore, well whats the darn point of having a cordless phone if I cant use it to enable privacy in my conversations....) anyways alot of other things came up last night and I was accused of using them(meaning my parents), I dont see how I am using them if I am still there offspring and I am actually a good kid that gets good grades and doesnt do drugs or any of that nonsense ( sorry to all those of you that smoke :-P smoking is bad...you should quit! ) But so anyways I have that on my mind plus my guy situation where I don't know which direction I want to go, only cause I am afraid the one I am closest to might return back to his sarcastic ways (i know he doesnt always mean to do what he does but it still hurts), so I have that and the fear of being kicked out of home and not knowing where to go, then the fact that school is ...arg...!

Anyways I am going to go study for the class I do have left that I can still manage to pull through.

Remember to wake up everyday with a smile on your face, and a twinkle in your eye because, if you wake up in the opposite its hard to reverse them and it will only just ruins tha whole day!

I had such a bad day yesterday to begin with, but it got so much better as the night ended. Lets start with why it was bad......I have been having issues with school, if you have read previous entries you know this.....well I was seriously contemplating dropping all of my classes yesterday, I walked out of my Sociology class because I couldn't stay in there I felt as though everything in my world was coming to an end...at least in my educational mind set..... So I managed to get a hold of my closest friends and pose the question of what am I supposed to do? I finally came to the conclusion I will only be withdrawing from two of the 4 classes......this way I still maintain my student status and I get credit for the ones I can pull off decent grades in.... My day got beter when two friends came over in a surprise visit on their way home from Melrose :-) I got put in a better mood just by seeing them. I later went out to stroll around the Spectrum, see a movie, and not get home till 5 this morning.....hehehe Quinn was right I do feel so much better when I can genuinely smile and be happy about something.... its a good feeling

Thanks to all you that have helped me these past few months through my shit.... *mwah*