Okay, I am realizing that I must not have picked too hard of classes for this semester, because Still I have yet to break a sweat on any project or paper. Although I have procrastinated as usual and waited to the last minute to do things, like for instance this morning, I didnt want to wake up so I set my alarm to 6 instead of 5:30 thinking i would wake up, nope i woke up to my dad saying "Are you going to school this morning?" I was like oh shiznit, cause i still had to print up notes for my Mass Communications class from his powerpoint presentations, as well as finish a Media Lab for Anthropology. All of this had to be done by 6:30 when I leave to go catch my train up to school. Usually if I leave early enough I can catch the train before my usual 7:05 train, at 6:40. This morning miraculously I made it, but by no default of my own, it happened to be that the 6:40 train was delayed due to heavy fog around the Camp Pendleton area when it was coming out of Oceanside.
So i made it to class on time, but then I realized I had forgotten to get 60 dollars from dad via check to pay for next months train passes. Sheesh that's due the 10th of the prior month, its so out of the way and rarely do I remember. I hate that they only send you one reminder via email to an address i check daily but don't notice theres mail in my CSUF folder till its to late, in which case they sent it 3 weeks prior to when the money is due.

Okay does it sound like I am rambling, cause to me it does. I really feel like deleting this whole entry because I am talking about nothing. But isn't that what everyday life is, a compilation of non-useful events that will eventually one day lead up to something really big or nothing at all.

So heres a little something that will not be so much of ramble....a poem... i haven't posted many of those in a while in fact the ones i have written as of late have all been in letters or notes.

okay i will post it in the next post I ran out of time on my break.....so adieu

So the other night (saturday) we went to Disneyland and California Adventure, it was my first time at California Adventure, any ways it happened to be Gay Day at the magic kingdom. This is the second time he has ended up going on that day, and supposedly last time he was wearing a red shirt, which is the color that they wear that day. Luckily this time he was wearing a grey shirt, under his black sweatshirt.

So today I have yet another interview with Robbins Bros. it kept getting put off due to my supposed spider bites, which turned out not to be bites after all just another reaction to what i had 2 months ago. So my legs and feet are all swollen. But the meds the doc put me on are helping so the swelling is going down....woohoo. So i should go get all perty for my interview since its in like an hour, even though it takes me all of five minutes usually to get dressed and shit. I am slow this morning.

Men are scum!!

Well ok they aren't so bad, but yeah they can be scum. Especially when it comes to work, they work, work, work, and thats all they ever have time for is work. They might be able to spare a few minutes here and there after work before their curfew ends, but sometimes that feels like its just meant to tease and not get the relationship moving anywhere. Now is the case where I am not even allowed over at work when he is almost off, I guess I cause a disruption in the workflow, i doubt that so much, but oh well what can i do. Not much.

So i have been nagged for the past few weeks that I havent been keeping this up as much as I used to. Well to those of you I am sorry, I have been a little preoccupied and busy with my time. In the words of a boy..." about all i do at home is sleep now....well not only but pretty much."
So life as it would be three months to the day since I last wrote in my journal (I am only going to slightly cover it all):

-the day after my last post....i found a new love of my life....ian

-shortly there after i left for catalina for Camp Fox, had an interesting time dealing with a load of bullshit from an old friend and trying to figure out where i wanted to go with my new found love.

-when i got back i went to the OC Fair w/ Ian ( which he had never been to...shame on him)

-got ready to leave for another camp this time with Ian in tow, but on our way up my friend Lil who picked us got in and accident and it was not a pleasant experience getting hit and then spinning into the number one lane and carpool lane.

-while at Camp TaTa Pochon we both realized we are going to have to put up with all the tough crap we give each other if we want this to work out, meanwhile he's still sick as he has been for 2 months with a tonsil infection, possibly passing it on to me.

-When we got back we practically spent everyday together, my best friend,Pavla, who we met through originally, now only refers to us as one, not separate people, along with Kerry purposefully calling me Mrs. Williams....omg, and my mother making such comments as ".....no future son-in-law of mine..."

-Then comes the end of Aug and school is soon to be approaching and he decides that he wants to get his tonsils out so that he can stop being ill. this becomes a milestone in the relationship, with everyone surprised with my actions and choice to stay with him the three days and two nights he is in the hospital. I dunno I guess i felt obligated, but at the same time i came to alot of conclusions about us, and so did he, and that sent our relationship to a whole other level.

-I am not one to care much about 1 month or 2 month or any anniversaries up until a year, cause boys are known to forget such things and so i didnt expect much, but boy was i wrong. So far everyone of them has been an interesting surprise.

-Oh also we took time after we came back from camp to relax in the jacuzzi, yeah no comment.

-My birthday, i knew it was coming but I guess i didnt exactly realize the full extent of it till it happened, he got me a Disneyland Annual Pass. What a shock especially since they are so much

So thats about it in short. Although many more small things happened but very trivial and I don't have the time nor the energy to cover it all. School has been good, i am going t&th from 7-4 with no breaks which is ick but it makes the day go by fast.
So to close this post i hope everyone has been patient, I am sorry that I was purposely postponing my next post, but I just wanted to see what was going to happen. So till next time. Good night folks!!!! I love ya all!

It hurt.....alot. But I cant go on only seeing him one day a week, and having it be day where i cry myself to sleep. I cant hurt anymore. One thing is for certain, I will always care about him no matter what, but at the moment I can't take that chance....it just hurts, had he asked me about 3 weeks ago, i might be in a different situation and other circumstances. Yet it didnt happen then , it happened now, after an accident, and I just want him to know I care and I always will but right now I cant do it.

On another note, my mode of transport to school most likely is going to be shutting down.....therefore I am concerned about how I am going to be able to get up there and stuff. Oh well I have Catalina coming up... I can get away from everything and think with a clear head...hopefully I will come back with some new understandings and a better view on things,....i usually do :-)

oh yeah and i ended up getting burned..... :-( not fun oh well it wil heal soon

My Best Friends Wedding or Dude Where's My Car ( which hasnt been seen by us) ....um how about something we dont need to worry about watching.....hehehehe...... well it turns out we watched 22% of the movie, 5% of the possum, and the rest pure.....um how do u say.....magnificant!

Hrrmmm...pool party today, we could convince Ian to get in but I think there were underlying reasons that kept him back..... BUT a promise is a promise and therefore he has to get in the water no matter what,..... I am just as red and just as chubby if not more so if pavla can convince me to get in minus my "security blanket" aka boardshorts and actually wear a 2 piece in front of someone other than myself then he can get his booty in my pool.......hehehehe....u know u love me :-)

Well its bed time........ so i'll see you all in my pool again tomorrow...woohoo.....w00t

So last night I watched IQ, never seen it before and I thought it was a cute, funny movie. Let alone I had alot of fun watching it......and yes we watched the movie unlike some people who "play" a movie..... So yes moon chasing and frozen yogurt was a good night, i am looking forward to many more fun nights like that again......oh and mint skittles have a whole new light to them....as well as far as orange tic tacs go they have to be earned and not ate before making contact.....beanbags shouldnt hold more than one person and

Nelson is finally left woohoo....so i inally got to go back in the "new room" i dont know why we still call it that it was built by dad approx. 15 yrs ago....

i am glad i had fun last night, i havent had that much fun or experienced those things in such a long time... thank you

time to go look for a job....maybe ill find something... i doubt it

A kiss with so much energy
Can only come so often
The energy is passionate
Raging, so overwhelming
That you want more to happen
Then just the kiss!
But how do you ask for more?
Or provoke more to enrage?
An answer that is add mystery
Add time, don't rush it....
With time comes more passion
It will build up so much
In the end it will be overwhelming.
Can we keep this going?
Or will it fade away with the mystery?
I hope it only increase and becomes
So much more than either of us can think of......

-by me

so i havent posted in like a month and i am sorry for that... i have been meaning to write but everytime i am about to i start playing spider solitaire or i end up going to a random coffeeshop with pavla and ian to discuss or world of problems...... speaking of coffeeshops....limelight java's old red couch that is covered in blue fabric i think should be off limits to us folk that sit n it while waiting for pavla to get off work.... it causes nothing but yeah you know what it causes... ;-) anyhoo summer is progressing and i still lack a job and i still need to call catalina otherwise i might not end up going...omg thats a scary thought i havent missed going in 5 yrs...eeek

love is progressing yet sometimes i feel lonely since the distance is a distance.....i wish there was a shorter gap in space between the ones i care for, and i wish the surroundings they were in would allow for us to spend more time together....hopefully it will become a better situation, i just fear that in time school will drag him off to atlanta and i will be lonely again...i dont like being alone..its scary... i guess it goes along with all my fears and things i am always self-conscious about how i am, how i look, it all goes back to things in my past, and i am getting over them slowly with the help of my friends but i still feel like a thick stump amongst twigs........

so i will leave u with something i read:

After A While
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning and company doesnt mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents arent promises,
And you accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open , with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a chid
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is to uncertain for plans.
After a whie you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And that you really do have worth.

- Veronica A Shoffstall, 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul